Resolutions of water, Burt Bacharach, cheese and letters

Six New Year Resolutions

• Drink more water when: anxious, when sad, when over excited, when desperate, when longing, when disturbed, when tired, when hyperactive, when curious, when turned in on myself and when opened to the world, when taken aback, when disappointed, when ecstatic, when discovering I have a secret evil twin, when recovering from spotting Elvis in the chippie, when suffering from writers block, when finding out there is no such thing as writers block, when suspecting energy saving light bulbs are giving me hallucinations that Che Guevara’s face has manifested itself in the grain of the airing cupboard door, when thirsty.

• Eat less cheese especially; Brie, Port Salut, Camembert melted in that box that has that flimsy red checked material that looks like it should be the curtains in The Waltons, Gorgonzola, that one that comes from Norway or is it Sweden that has the consistency of an insole but tastes rather like a flavoursome acorn with a back hint of old oak in an urban Leeds Park.

• Sing along in the car more, especially to the boxed set of Burt Bacharach’s hits of a life time. Discover my inner Dusty and Barbra but only in the privacy of my Clio and probably with the use of heavy eye make up and the six inch finger nail extensions of an ancient Chinese mandarin ( the high class offical not the small satsuma).Note in the Streisland video linked to, she seems to be staring so intently at Burt's face that I suspect she must have been fascinated by a huge bogey up his nose that the viewer cannot see due to the camera angle.

• Remember to pay the paper bill on time so that the man at the newsagents who looks remarkably like Huckleberry Hound with those down turned jowls will not have to resort to pushing reminders through the door on re-cycled Christmas cards with a plaintive note that seems to imply that a Guardian reader should embrace the concept of the labourer (or news paper boy) being worthy of his hire.

• Continue to strive to become a woman of letters, real handwritten in ink, letters. This may involve writing to myself as I have not received a long personal letter through the mail for over two years. Those to whom I have written long ,personal, handwritten, put in envelopes, stamped, walked down to the post box, type of letters have replied by e mail, albeit cheerily and informatively but tit did not achieve tat. Perhaps I could write to someone in jail in America and pick myself up a low maintenance husband when letters may be the sole requirement needed to keep the relationship going?

• Read good books and poems on those occasions when I should also drink more water ( see first point).